i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
