Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
