5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize