Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
