Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
