im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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