You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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