It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
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