hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
