Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize