I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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