Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
