it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just want to make out with him forever
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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