i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
