Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
