turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
