I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
