I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
