I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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