In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
