So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
is wine microwaveable?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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