im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
