How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
