u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
