When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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