I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize