I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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