omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize