My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
