Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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