I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
