I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
