Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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