You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
