Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
