Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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