woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
