We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
