A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
