Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
