why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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