omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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