I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
