Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize