just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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