i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
