Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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