i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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