Plan B is the new Plan A
I look better un-naked...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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