she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
