He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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