Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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