im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
