It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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