Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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