i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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