and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
