you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
we're so committed to being not committed
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
