She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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