Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
