You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I pour the whiskey from now on
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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