if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just invented taco cereal.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
