yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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