i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
