I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Buhtt sex?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
