you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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