I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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