dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
