I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
